I'm Off!
See you in six days.
:-)
:-)
posted by Jaya @ 11:24 PM
1 people have opinions
Monday, September 26, 2005
Sunday, September 25, 2005
2:02 PM, Sunday, September 25th 2005
What is it about live jazz, iced coffee, and seeing the same faces at my cafe that makes my last post irrelivant?
P.S. It may be the fact that I am EmK's mindtwin...according to her profile.
P.S. It may be the fact that I am EmK's mindtwin...according to her profile.
posted by Jaya @ 2:02 PM
3 people have opinions
Friday, September 23, 2005
She's Lost Total Control
As my second home gets battered by nature for a second time, I'm forced to sit at home with a stiff neck and wait for more information. I feel like I'm having an affair with Anderson Cooper, waiting until he shows up on channel 10 with anything new about New Orleans. I'm constantly checking news sources online, and the national hurricane center to see if anything is getting better or worse. And the horror of it is that I just don't know.
I've always been most comfortable whenever I've had control over something. Blame it on my joint-custody childhood, never knowing where I was going to end up, but I'm happy when I know what's happening and have information and can figure out what to do with it myself. As a kid I had to have my homework done before I could even think of going out to play. I hated working in groups on projects because the only thing I could think of was that I could do it better myself. Everyone else had the wrong idea and if they would just let me do it we'd all get better grades. My dad once threatened to kick me out of the house because, when I lost my passport, I wouldn't sit down to dinner until I went online and found out every step and every form of identification needed to get me a new one as soon as possible. I like knowing things because it gives me control over the situation. I can think about it and plan and know exactly what I'm going to do in any situation.
So when a hurricane comes and starts flooding my city, and the Tulane website is down because they were working out of Houston, and I think my campus is OK because it's nowhere near the 9th ward but I'm not sure and Nagin isn't saying whether he's going to let people back in after the storm is over, I ^obviously^ panic. I start thinking about having to transfer schools, and never seeing my Tulane friends again, and where the little girl I tutored is right now, and I'm just too confused and too hurt to begin to think about what to do.
It's too much to take right now, so for the first time I'm just trying to forget it. My friends really need to get here so I can drown my sorrows in milkshakes. And Miles Davis is helping a bit too.
I've always been most comfortable whenever I've had control over something. Blame it on my joint-custody childhood, never knowing where I was going to end up, but I'm happy when I know what's happening and have information and can figure out what to do with it myself. As a kid I had to have my homework done before I could even think of going out to play. I hated working in groups on projects because the only thing I could think of was that I could do it better myself. Everyone else had the wrong idea and if they would just let me do it we'd all get better grades. My dad once threatened to kick me out of the house because, when I lost my passport, I wouldn't sit down to dinner until I went online and found out every step and every form of identification needed to get me a new one as soon as possible. I like knowing things because it gives me control over the situation. I can think about it and plan and know exactly what I'm going to do in any situation.
So when a hurricane comes and starts flooding my city, and the Tulane website is down because they were working out of Houston, and I think my campus is OK because it's nowhere near the 9th ward but I'm not sure and Nagin isn't saying whether he's going to let people back in after the storm is over, I ^obviously^ panic. I start thinking about having to transfer schools, and never seeing my Tulane friends again, and where the little girl I tutored is right now, and I'm just too confused and too hurt to begin to think about what to do.
It's too much to take right now, so for the first time I'm just trying to forget it. My friends really need to get here so I can drown my sorrows in milkshakes. And Miles Davis is helping a bit too.
posted by Jaya @ 9:53 PM
2 people have opinions
Thursday, September 22, 2005
"Out on the street are so many possibilities to not be alone"
I've been cooped up inside my house too long. I've been shuttling between Columbia and here so much that it feels like I have blinders on. In a vain attempt to talk my way into a club, my mom and I went to a club on the lower east side where my cousin was running a record release party. We were both on the guest list, but apparently that's not enough to get the bouncer to forget I'm 18, so home I went while my mom stayed. Ryan Adams sounds like the streets of New York. I walked by a million little bars and restaurants, trying to make mental notes of all of them as places I'd want to come back to. There was an Argentinian restaurant on Suffolk, Economy Candy on Rivington, and that Grilled Cheese place I missed on Ludlow.
I think my big dilemma is the fact that I'm missing NOLA more than I'm appreciating being in New York. I'm afraid I'm losing my love for this city. I had my doubts during Christmas break, but now I know I don't want to go anywhere but Tulane--
Flash forward. I wrote that last night, and am now sitting in the Columbia library after just finishing part of my history reading. I have no money and am trying to make it another two hours before I can babysit and raid the family's fridge. I think I can make it, but going to the gym and then not eating for 4 hours can kind of do a number on you. Lyndon B. Johnson just doesn't seem as appealing when the only thing you can think of is how much you want a sandwich. I had breakfast with my aunt this morning. Apparently, after my uncle took a few friends of mine out to dinner, he came back and said "no wonder she wants to go back to Tulane, she has such great friends." Glad someone else recognized that.
I'm just recycling the same themes over and over again in my posts. New York, Tulane, friendship, wandering around, school. I haven't had an interesting, orgininal thought in what seems like forever. I don't have time to, there's too much else to think about. Whenever I get one I'll let you know, but from the looks of how my life is going it might not be a while.
The wood pannel sides of my cubicle are getting smaller, and now my pinky is starting to go numb. I need food. Someone lend me a dollar.
P.S. According to a very reliable 5 year old, teenagers are boring, and she has decided to stay a kid forever. When did life stop being that easy?
I think my big dilemma is the fact that I'm missing NOLA more than I'm appreciating being in New York. I'm afraid I'm losing my love for this city. I had my doubts during Christmas break, but now I know I don't want to go anywhere but Tulane--
Flash forward. I wrote that last night, and am now sitting in the Columbia library after just finishing part of my history reading. I have no money and am trying to make it another two hours before I can babysit and raid the family's fridge. I think I can make it, but going to the gym and then not eating for 4 hours can kind of do a number on you. Lyndon B. Johnson just doesn't seem as appealing when the only thing you can think of is how much you want a sandwich. I had breakfast with my aunt this morning. Apparently, after my uncle took a few friends of mine out to dinner, he came back and said "no wonder she wants to go back to Tulane, she has such great friends." Glad someone else recognized that.
I'm just recycling the same themes over and over again in my posts. New York, Tulane, friendship, wandering around, school. I haven't had an interesting, orgininal thought in what seems like forever. I don't have time to, there's too much else to think about. Whenever I get one I'll let you know, but from the looks of how my life is going it might not be a while.
The wood pannel sides of my cubicle are getting smaller, and now my pinky is starting to go numb. I need food. Someone lend me a dollar.
P.S. According to a very reliable 5 year old, teenagers are boring, and she has decided to stay a kid forever. When did life stop being that easy?
posted by Jaya @ 4:24 PM
4 people have opinions
Sunday, September 18, 2005
"Everybody's cool playin' rock n roll..."
Last night kind of proved to me that there's life left in this semester, and I'm not doomed to sit alone in my apartment listening to introspective music (althought the lyric right after my title one is "I don't feel cool, feel cool at all" so maybe I'm speaking too soon). Sure the party at Columbia was that, but it's easier when I have a number of people who can just call me up whenever they want. And though I could not partake in the consumption of the alcohol, I got to see someone chug more than I've ever seen, sing along to acoustic AC/DC, and have Lucas get on his knees and sing me "Whole Lotta Love," which totally makes up for it.
Today was the longest day I've had in a while. I went up to Columbia this morning to use their gym, which I hate in comparison to Tulane's gym. It's ugly and dark and tries to look like a classroom with wood panels and columns, and the equipment sign up system is really confusing, and the machines don't even have TV's on top of them. I then spent two hours in the library getting my history reading done for TWO WEEKS FROM NOW. I either have way too much time on my hands or am way too anxious for 8 more days to pass. After that I sauntered over a few blocks to babysit a 5 year old angel/deamon. I'll tell ya what, pretending to be a mother to Molly and New-Baby while she's the mother of Purple and Pink, and having us all stay in a hotel for 4 days and then go on a trip to her grandparents house for 3 hours really takes a lot out of you.
If no one got that, it was the twisted girls imagination turning into what she called "playing."
Also, I like having a bed. No more sleeping on the living room futon, no more aero-bed or mattress that was made for me when I was 7, I have a full sized bed in my room and it's really awesome. There's something nice about being able to roll over in the middle of the night and not smacking into a wall. There's also something nice about knowing the 10-day forecast on weather.com for Colorado actually applies to me now.
Today was the longest day I've had in a while. I went up to Columbia this morning to use their gym, which I hate in comparison to Tulane's gym. It's ugly and dark and tries to look like a classroom with wood panels and columns, and the equipment sign up system is really confusing, and the machines don't even have TV's on top of them. I then spent two hours in the library getting my history reading done for TWO WEEKS FROM NOW. I either have way too much time on my hands or am way too anxious for 8 more days to pass. After that I sauntered over a few blocks to babysit a 5 year old angel/deamon. I'll tell ya what, pretending to be a mother to Molly and New-Baby while she's the mother of Purple and Pink, and having us all stay in a hotel for 4 days and then go on a trip to her grandparents house for 3 hours really takes a lot out of you.
If no one got that, it was the twisted girls imagination turning into what she called "playing."
Also, I like having a bed. No more sleeping on the living room futon, no more aero-bed or mattress that was made for me when I was 7, I have a full sized bed in my room and it's really awesome. There's something nice about being able to roll over in the middle of the night and not smacking into a wall. There's also something nice about knowing the 10-day forecast on weather.com for Colorado actually applies to me now.
posted by Jaya @ 10:22 PM
0 people have opinions
Thursday, September 15, 2005
"What would I give to go back and live in a dorm with a meal plan again..."
Being sick is never fun, especially when you can't afford to miss any classes. So when I wake up with a fever of 101 and collapse in the hallway of dizziness right after I wake up, do I stay in bed all day and get better? No, I rest for a few hours, read, and then decide that my fever has gone down enough to get up and go to the rest of my classes. I'm already kicking myself for missing my first history discussion section, but I don't think I missed anything too bad. I just hate missing stuff like that.
I just came back from having lunch with my grandparents and trying to hit them up for money, which worked out alright. It kind of upset me though, because my grandmother seemed to be on a mission to get me to transfer to Columbia. She kept going on about how my grades were now good enough, and how I should make sure I could get the best education I could get, and how much she would have loved to go to Columbia even as a "little girl in India." A lot of my family has been giving me this impression, even if the rest of them haven't come out and told me that I should go ahead and apply. I'd be closer to home and it's a bigger name school, so they could all brag to their friends about how their child is ivy league. Luckily my parents seem to be the ones who really want me to go back. They've seen how much I love it there and how well I've done and are really hoping the city gets back soon.
I've just been missing college more and more. I think it hurts more actually going to classes because I only feel like half of a college student. I take the classes, but I don't feel like the campus is mine. I'm just using it for it's libraries and facilities, but at the end of the day I go home while everyone else lives there. I miss being in a dorm with all my friends around and just being able to go sit in Bruff, or watch MXC for hours on end, or stay up until 5am for no reason other than I'm not tired. I hate having to pack more stuff the longer my day gets, rather than just being able to go back to my room and drop off my things. And I get along with my mom, but when she's not here I get lonely, and when she is here I just feel like it's not my space anymore. I'm just counting down until January at this point.
I just came back from having lunch with my grandparents and trying to hit them up for money, which worked out alright. It kind of upset me though, because my grandmother seemed to be on a mission to get me to transfer to Columbia. She kept going on about how my grades were now good enough, and how I should make sure I could get the best education I could get, and how much she would have loved to go to Columbia even as a "little girl in India." A lot of my family has been giving me this impression, even if the rest of them haven't come out and told me that I should go ahead and apply. I'd be closer to home and it's a bigger name school, so they could all brag to their friends about how their child is ivy league. Luckily my parents seem to be the ones who really want me to go back. They've seen how much I love it there and how well I've done and are really hoping the city gets back soon.
I've just been missing college more and more. I think it hurts more actually going to classes because I only feel like half of a college student. I take the classes, but I don't feel like the campus is mine. I'm just using it for it's libraries and facilities, but at the end of the day I go home while everyone else lives there. I miss being in a dorm with all my friends around and just being able to go sit in Bruff, or watch MXC for hours on end, or stay up until 5am for no reason other than I'm not tired. I hate having to pack more stuff the longer my day gets, rather than just being able to go back to my room and drop off my things. And I get along with my mom, but when she's not here I get lonely, and when she is here I just feel like it's not my space anymore. I'm just counting down until January at this point.
posted by Jaya @ 3:35 PM
1 people have opinions
Monday, September 12, 2005
Two Days In And Already I Need A Distraction
So here are some quotes from my funny friends!
HOUM bus 221: haha jaya your such a girl
HOUM bus 221: and i mean that in the bad way
Papayajaya1: and creepy guys!
cbrennan923: :-(!
cbrennan923: I will FUCK THEM UP
cbrennan923: I will fucking rip their cocks off!
cbrennan923: so let me get this straight...
cbrennan923: I've known you for years, we're really close... and some creepy fifty year old guy you don't know that's really creepy can get your swim suit off just by talking to you?
cbrennan923: wait, need fabric softner
cbrennan923: brb
Papayajaya1: why boobs?
Angelo di Perla: why not?
Papayajaya1: touché
Papayajaya1: dammit, why isn’t dan here yet?
labrody87: because dan backwards is "nad"
labrody87: which is an acronym for "not around, dude!"
labrody87: obvi.
labrody87: i am eating your guac
Papayajaya1: haha totally
labrody87: does that sound dirty?
Papayajaya1: ...only if it's coming from you
labrody87: hell yeah bitch!!
Papayajaya1: and blondies smell so gooooooood
Papayajaya1: muahahaha
Angelo di Perla: DAMNM YOOOOOOU
Papayajaya1: hahahaha
Papayajaya1: damnm?
Papayajaya1: wow, you're going to college
Angelo di Perla: this is how upset I am about the blondies
Papayajaya1: tag
DACE159: tag
Papayajaya1: tag
DACE159: you'd think that we, as two bright, intelligent college students with fairly interesting lives, would have something better to do than play tag over the internet
DACE159: however.....
DACE159: tag
lub189: it's been the most depressing summer ever
lub189: and i'm counting that summer where jesus came back to life and strapped me down and made me watch him murder my family.
Papayajaya1: damn jews
lub189: yea
lub189: jesus was just mad
lub189: because i killed him with my bare hands.
Papayajaya1: entertain me
lub189: uh
lub189: i'm juggling
lub189: babies
lub189: that are on fire
lub189: and uh
lub189: they're all stillborn
lub189: also
lub189: they're half t-rex
lub189: look!
lub189: LOOK!
LilacDistortion: ...JJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJEEUNIT! i mean AYA!
LilacDistortion: i dont have boobs
Papayajaya1: you do too
LilacDistortion: theyre just midgets i stuff in my bra
Papayajaya1: I am so listening to House of Pain's "Jump Around" right now
Papayajaya1: I am the coolest person ever
LilacDistortion: uh...yea. suddenly i have go go...::runs away::
lub189: you could probably outdrink a preteen
lub189: ...probably.
Liz: See, I always use that in the wrong way. Most people are like "oh my god it was so funny I shit my pants," but when I do it I'm like "you guys, I had this awesome cookie, it was so good, and then I shit my pants."
posted by Jaya @ 8:10 PM
3 people have opinions
Friday, September 09, 2005
The Book of Love
It's time for another thoughtful post! Yay! Alright so the subject of love has been on my mind a lot recently, and from general talks/blog readings of my friends it seems that there's this general cynicism about the subject. It's a difficult subject to broach because I don't want to come off sounding like the giddy, romantic girl in the throws of a new relationship, but even when I was single (which I have spent great deals of time as) I can remember thinking it was a bigger deal than most people made it out to be. I can remember being overly excited for my friends when they told how they first said the words "I love you" to whoever they were with, or looking back on my first time saying that and knowing that it was because I actually felt it, not because I was a naive 15 year old. I'm a firm believer that age doesn't water down emotion, and that any teenager is fully capable of feeling love. Whether they know how to deal with it is another story.
So why does it feel like no one takes saying "I love you" at 18 as that big of a deal? I hate how jaded some people have become. I'm very careful with those words. I may have said them before, but I've never said it and not meant it. That's just something you shouldn't fuck around with. It's too powerful. However, I'm not sure if everyone around me feels the same way. I'm afraid it's losing it's meaning because everyone assumes it's supposed to happen in a relationship. If you're together for long enough, well you have to love each other, right? No. It's not something that comes with time. It can happen faster than you ever expected, or never happen at all. I guess I take it more as something that's not really supposed to happen, but something that you're incredibly lucky to have if it does.
I also don't want to come off as one of those people who belittles the single life. It's awesome, and I have been perfectly happy whenever I've been single. I've never sought to be in a relationship, though I may have sought to be out of one or two. I just never understood how anyone can hate being single, or also how anyone can think relationships are for suckers. If it happens, it happens, and if not that doesn't make it any worse. I think I'm just an idealist who wants everyone to be happy. But then again I'm a woman, which automatically makes me a softie when it comes to caring. I never want to be bored, with love or any other emotion. Is it that silly or naive to just like to feel?
So why does it feel like no one takes saying "I love you" at 18 as that big of a deal? I hate how jaded some people have become. I'm very careful with those words. I may have said them before, but I've never said it and not meant it. That's just something you shouldn't fuck around with. It's too powerful. However, I'm not sure if everyone around me feels the same way. I'm afraid it's losing it's meaning because everyone assumes it's supposed to happen in a relationship. If you're together for long enough, well you have to love each other, right? No. It's not something that comes with time. It can happen faster than you ever expected, or never happen at all. I guess I take it more as something that's not really supposed to happen, but something that you're incredibly lucky to have if it does.
I also don't want to come off as one of those people who belittles the single life. It's awesome, and I have been perfectly happy whenever I've been single. I've never sought to be in a relationship, though I may have sought to be out of one or two. I just never understood how anyone can hate being single, or also how anyone can think relationships are for suckers. If it happens, it happens, and if not that doesn't make it any worse. I think I'm just an idealist who wants everyone to be happy. But then again I'm a woman, which automatically makes me a softie when it comes to caring. I never want to be bored, with love or any other emotion. Is it that silly or naive to just like to feel?
posted by Jaya @ 5:00 PM
2 people have opinions
Thursday, September 08, 2005
Welcome to the Working Week
Gah. My first day of classes started with a nice subway ride and a feeble attempt at the morning crossword puzzle. I found iced coffee and sat on the steps before heading off to my first class, where my professor sweated more than any man I've seen. I wandered around campus with Shoshana, met some of her friends, attended a 400 person lecture, and went to my other English class where the professor seemed to sweat as much as the first. Maybe it's a sign of low social status, maybe they were nervous, but I hope that doesn't happen to everyone studying english. With 250 pages of reading I already have my work cut out for me, but I have most of it done already, and I only had class yesterday.
I babysat for the son of the hairdresser across the street today. He and his boyfriend live in a charming 2 story apartment in Brooklyn, where I got to watch Boo-bah all day long, and lull a beautiful baby to sleep by singing Frank Sinatra. I came back to read more in the cafe around the corner. I must have looked pretty cool with my cappuccino and my biscotti and my Post-WWII American history book. I even ran into Moira (a girl in my grade from high school) there. She managed to look cooler than me with her thick rimmed glasses, hand rolling a cigarette, but she gave me some amusement while studying. I reverted back to my high school English class hobby of marking how many times she said "like" in a single sentence.
Excuse the incoherent rambling. After my second cappuccino my mind started to go haywire. I know it may be betraying my fellow classmates feelings about this semester, but I'm really happy right now. Granted, this is nothing like what I had planned, but my problems are luxury problems. Oh boo hoo, poor little city girl has to go to an ivy league school in Manhattan for a semester. What a pity. Is it blasphemous that I like Columbia? Of course I don't want to stay there, but that I'm not spending every waking moment wishing I were back in New Orleans? I spend quite a few moments like that, or missing those I have to wait another semester to see, but I guess I just have faith that we will be back together again even if we have to postpone it.
I can never find a good tone for my entries. Too happy and it's boring, too depressing and I sound like a whiny teenage bitch. Whichever way, I don't think I'm attracting too many new readers.
I babysat for the son of the hairdresser across the street today. He and his boyfriend live in a charming 2 story apartment in Brooklyn, where I got to watch Boo-bah all day long, and lull a beautiful baby to sleep by singing Frank Sinatra. I came back to read more in the cafe around the corner. I must have looked pretty cool with my cappuccino and my biscotti and my Post-WWII American history book. I even ran into Moira (a girl in my grade from high school) there. She managed to look cooler than me with her thick rimmed glasses, hand rolling a cigarette, but she gave me some amusement while studying. I reverted back to my high school English class hobby of marking how many times she said "like" in a single sentence.
Excuse the incoherent rambling. After my second cappuccino my mind started to go haywire. I know it may be betraying my fellow classmates feelings about this semester, but I'm really happy right now. Granted, this is nothing like what I had planned, but my problems are luxury problems. Oh boo hoo, poor little city girl has to go to an ivy league school in Manhattan for a semester. What a pity. Is it blasphemous that I like Columbia? Of course I don't want to stay there, but that I'm not spending every waking moment wishing I were back in New Orleans? I spend quite a few moments like that, or missing those I have to wait another semester to see, but I guess I just have faith that we will be back together again even if we have to postpone it.
I can never find a good tone for my entries. Too happy and it's boring, too depressing and I sound like a whiny teenage bitch. Whichever way, I don't think I'm attracting too many new readers.
posted by Jaya @ 7:09 PM
2 people have opinions
Tuesday, September 06, 2005
Better Than Worse
Today started a bit too early than I'm used to, but I guess I'm going to have to get used to that. Croissant at the cafe, crossword on the subway, up to Columbia to find the books for my classes. Didn't quite find them, but I now have the reading lists online. 25 books total, so I'm going to make my parents go broke. At least I already have a highly notated copy of Wuthering Heights. I wandered around the gorgeous campus finding all the buildings my classes are in, getting my e-mail and ID, and then having a good japanese lunch with Colin. I found out I have a history class with one of my best friends, and after lugging all my books home tomorrow I think I'm actually getting excited about this. I get to read Frankenstein and The Age of McCarthyism and Frederick Douglass and hang out with my few remaining friends in the city. I can travel to see the other ones, I can babysit and make money to finance those travels, and generally get back to life. It's not what I planned, but it's what's happening and I have to go with it.
However, I forsee a great deal of time being spent in the Columbia library in my future, and the fact that it's one of the most intimidating buildings I've ever set foot in isn't easing the pain.
However, I forsee a great deal of time being spent in the Columbia library in my future, and the fact that it's one of the most intimidating buildings I've ever set foot in isn't easing the pain.
posted by Jaya @ 4:12 PM
1 people have opinions
Friday, September 02, 2005
I Am Wrecked, I Am Overblown
It's official, I am not going back to Tulane this semester, and I am not taking this as well as I could. I'm confused and I'm lonely and I really just want to be back in New Orleans. Obviously that is not going to happen, so I'm enrolled in a class at Columbia (eh, at least I get to say Columbia is my second choice.) BU is offering to find off campus housing, should I do that? Should I find another campus for a semester? It feels strange to be doing this again, and especially taking into account another persons plans to figure out what mine are. And the time frame is not helping me. Anyone who knows me knows that I can't relax until I have anything outstanding fully sorted out. Smart idea mom, taking me out to the beach for 3 days tomorrow! Perfect, right at the time when I need internet connections and phone service and important documents. I missed Cape May, but I just wish it could come at a different time. I'm not going to be able to relax on the beach. I'm going to be out there with paperwork and my cell phone trying to take care of everything. Shit, nothing should ever hurt this much.
posted by Jaya @ 9:59 PM
7 people have opinions
Thursday, September 01, 2005
You're Gonna Make Me Lonesome When You Go
There's this great feeling when someone is breathing so close to your own skin that you can feel the warmth of their exhale and the cold, empty breeze of their inhale.
I feel like an inhale.
I am confused and angry and empty and waiting for anything.
How depressing is it that I just put on "Leaving on a Jet Plane"?
I'm just doing this to myself. I've been reminded that I'm stronger than this too many times to continue the spiral.
All I wanted was a year of no drama. No confusion, no heartbreaks, good friends, is that too much to ask?
I guess it was, because when nothing else was going wrong somebody had to go and throw in a natural disaster to fuck things up.
I'm too upset to go back to sleep now.
I'm addicted to CNN and the Tulane Emergency website.
They're not saying anything new.
I can't think of anywhere but Tulane that I would want to go. Everything else is sub-par to me.
Even though I've really been working on it, I cry way too easily.
I don't want to have to take off a whole semester, and I wish that Tulane would figure out what's going on.
I think I jynx myself when I make plans. They get farther ahead of me that I expect and when everything is looking perfect something comes to change it.
I'll be fine by later today, it just all seems amplified when the most important person in my life just left in a cab to the airport, especially after the plan was to go back to college and spend the whole year together.
I wasn't ready for that.
And I'm not exaggerating.
There's extra bedding everywhere that I have to clean up now, and I have to unpack my limited belongings.
I feel weird walking into the living room and not seeing suitcases.
I'm just saying this because the past two weeks have been some of the best of my life. Everything was working so well. I was having fun. Everyone was getting along. I made pancakes and saw The Vandals and had minor celebrity sightings and saw meteors and planets and geodes and dinosaurs and swords and watched movies and swam and slept and now I really don't know what to do.
I could get a job. I could travel. I could find classes to take. Is it too late to figure out any of that?
And I still don't know how long I'm going to be here for.
I'm listening to "Always Look on the Bright Side of Life," so it's getting better.
I just wish I could turn off my feelings somehow.
I feel like an inhale.
I am confused and angry and empty and waiting for anything.
How depressing is it that I just put on "Leaving on a Jet Plane"?
I'm just doing this to myself. I've been reminded that I'm stronger than this too many times to continue the spiral.
All I wanted was a year of no drama. No confusion, no heartbreaks, good friends, is that too much to ask?
I guess it was, because when nothing else was going wrong somebody had to go and throw in a natural disaster to fuck things up.
I'm too upset to go back to sleep now.
I'm addicted to CNN and the Tulane Emergency website.
They're not saying anything new.
I can't think of anywhere but Tulane that I would want to go. Everything else is sub-par to me.
Even though I've really been working on it, I cry way too easily.
I don't want to have to take off a whole semester, and I wish that Tulane would figure out what's going on.
I think I jynx myself when I make plans. They get farther ahead of me that I expect and when everything is looking perfect something comes to change it.
I'll be fine by later today, it just all seems amplified when the most important person in my life just left in a cab to the airport, especially after the plan was to go back to college and spend the whole year together.
I wasn't ready for that.
And I'm not exaggerating.
There's extra bedding everywhere that I have to clean up now, and I have to unpack my limited belongings.
I feel weird walking into the living room and not seeing suitcases.
I'm just saying this because the past two weeks have been some of the best of my life. Everything was working so well. I was having fun. Everyone was getting along. I made pancakes and saw The Vandals and had minor celebrity sightings and saw meteors and planets and geodes and dinosaurs and swords and watched movies and swam and slept and now I really don't know what to do.
I could get a job. I could travel. I could find classes to take. Is it too late to figure out any of that?
And I still don't know how long I'm going to be here for.
I'm listening to "Always Look on the Bright Side of Life," so it's getting better.
I just wish I could turn off my feelings somehow.
posted by Jaya @ 7:15 AM
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